Okay, real talk — I’m sitting on my back porch in Michigan right now and it’s literally 19°F and my hot drinks around the world obsession is the only thing keeping me from becoming a human popsicle.
I blame Turkey, honestly. First time I had proper Turkish coffee — the kind that comes in that tiny cezve and looks like liquid mud — I was 24 and thought I was hot shit for ordering it in Istanbul. Took one sip, choked, grounds in my teeth for three days. Reader, I married that feeling. Now every winter I’m out here grinding cardamom into my French press like a complete psycho because nothing else hits the same.
The Hot Drinks Around the World That Broke My Brain (And My Dignity)
Japanese Hojicha That Made Me Cry in a 7-Eleven
Look, I found roasted hojicha at some random Asian grocery in Detroit and lost my entire mind. Smells like campfire marshmallows had a baby with actual tea. I brewed it too strong once and legit started ugly-crying because it tasted like every cozy memory I never had. Yes I’m dramatic, no I won’t stop.
Peruvian Emoliente That Tasted Like Christmas Threw Up (Amazingly)
Some lady in Queens sold me this steaming bag of “emoliente” from a cooler — barley, flaxseed, horsetail herb (??), lime, and like 17 other things. Drank it on the subway and immediately texted my mom “I think I just had soup tea and I’m not mad.” My coat still smells like cloves three washes later.
Indian Masala Chai That Ruined All Other Chai
I tried making authentic masala chai after watching too many aunties on Instagram. Used whole spices, bashed cardamom with the back of a knife like a feral raccoon, let the tea boil until it looked radioactive. Burned my tongue so bad I couldn’t taste for two days but I’d do it again tomorrow. Dunkin’ who?
Mexican Champurrado Thicker Than My Thighs
First time I made champurrado I used masa harina and piloncillo and way too much cinnamon. Ended up with chocolate sludge you could stand the spoon in. Ate it with a spoon like the gremlin I am while my partner judged me silently from across the kitchen. 10/10 no regrets.
Hot Drinks Around the World I Straight-Up Failed At
- Tried Icelandic hot chocolate with melted licorice. Spit it into a snowbank. The snowbank looked offended.
- Moroccan mint tea — poured it from a height like I saw on YouTube, mostly poured it on my crotch instead.
- Russian sbiten with way too much honey. Basically drank hot mead at 10 a.m. and took the world’s most chaotic nap.
Anyway I’m running out of feeling in my fingers and my current mug of Yemeni spiced coffee (qishr with ginger and cinnamon) is getting cold which is honestly criminal. These hot drinks around the world turned me into the kind of person who owns seven different kettles and cries over roasted rice, and I’m weirdly okay with that.
Your turn — what global hot beverage destroyed you in the best way? Drop it in the comments so I can add it to my very extra winter rotation. And maybe brew yourself something weird tonight. You deserve it.
(References for the nerds:
- Turkish coffee technique from this Turkish grandma on YouTube: https://youtu.be/123example
- Proper masala chai ratios from the legend that is Hebbar’s Kitchen: https://hebbarskitchen.com
- Champurrado recipe I butchered beautifully: https://mexicoinmykitchen.com)
