easy mocktails are literally the only reason i haven’t lost my entire mind this month and that’s not even drama
like okay picture this: it’s 9:47 pm on a wednesday, i’m in richmond virginia where the humidity is actively trying to kill me, my ac is making that death-rattle noise again, and i’m wearing socks with holes in both big toes because laundry is a myth. but i have this GORGEOUS pink drink sweating on my coffee table and for one shining second i feel like a real adult who has her life together?? wild.
The very embarrassing reason i started making fancy mocktails at home
so back in july i went to my friend sarah’s birthday thing and everyone was doing espresso martinis (very cool very demure) and i was over here with my sad little can of watermelon la croix pretending i wasn’t dying inside. then some guy i went to high school with was like “you still don’t drink??” with that tone and i wanted to evaporate. came home and rage-ordered $73 worth of syrups on amazon at 2 am. zero regrets except the credit card bill. Easy Mocktails https://thrivemarket.com/c/non-alcoholic-cocktail-mixers
My dummy-proof easy mocktail formula (because i cannot be trusted with real recipes)
i do NOT measure unless i’m baking and even then it’s questionable. my ratio is: Easy Mocktails
- fizzy stuff (seltzer, ginger beer, whatever didn’t go flat yet)
- sweet stuff (juice, simple syrup, or honestly just squirt some honey and pray)
- sour stuff (lime i found rolling around in the crisper drawer)
- pretty stuff (frozen fruit because fresh fruit is a scam, mint that’s half brown, edible flowers i panic-bought)
shake it in whatever jar is clean (today it was an old pickle jar… don’t judge me) and call it a day.
current obsession: strawberry basil situation that makes me feel expensive
- like 7 strawberries i forgot about until they were soft Easy Mocktails
- handful of basil i’m definitely killing slowly
- juice of one lime that i attacked with a fork because i couldn’t find the juicer
- splash of elderflower cordial i got at homegoods on clearance
- top with prosecco-flavored sparkling water (iykyk) https://drinkwaterloo.com/products/prosecco-vino
it turns this perfect millennial pink and honestly tastes like summer had a baby with a spa
The one that almost ended me (spicy mango edition)
thought i was real cute adding “a pinch” of cayenne to a mango mocktail. y’all. my throat closed. i was coughing like a victorian child with consumption. dumped in coconut milk to save it and accidentally made the best piña colada dupe of my life?? sometimes jesus takes the wheel idk. Easy Mocktails
Where i actually buy stuff because grocery stores stress me out
- thrivemarket for the bougie syrups
- aldi for literally everything else (their sparkling water is 79 cents fight me)
- the random international market by my house that has lychee syrup for $3.99?? yes please
Anyway i’m rambling Easy Mocktails
point is easy mocktails at home won’t fix your depression but they’ll make your tuesday night feel slightly less like garbage and that’s something. also your friends will think you’re fancy and that’s free clout.
try one. screw it up spectacularly. send me pics of the crime scene i wanna see.
what’s the weirdest combo you’ve ever thrown together?? i need inspiration before i resort to putting ranch in a drink (kidding) (maybe)
zero proof, full chaos xo your favorite hot mess american currently drinking sparkling water out of a wine glass at 11:23 am because why not Easy Mocktails
