Okay, healthy mocktails have legitimately saved my social life this year and I’m not even being dramatic. Like, I’m sitting here in my Austin apartment right now—AC blasting because Texas November is apparently a myth—and I just made a spicy mango marg mocktail that tastes so much like the real thing I had to double-check the bottle wasn’t tequila. (Spoiler: it was just lime sparkling water and desperation.)
Why I’m Even Doing This Healthy Mocktails Thing (The Embarrassing Origin Story)
So back in July I had this moment at my friend Sarah’s lake-house birthday where I blacked out, fell into the kayak rack, and woke up with a bruise shaped exactly like Oklahoma on my thigh. Cute, right? Anyway, I decided to take a “break” from alcohol that somehow turned into five months because apparently I have the restraint of a Victorian heroine when I’m publicly shamed. These healthy mocktails started as sad little sparkling waters with a limp cucumber slice and have evolved into… well, drinks I actually look forward to.
My Current Obsession: Spicy Mango Margarita Mocktail That Made Me Cry (Happy Tears)
This one hits different. I’m dead serious.
- 1 ripe mango (the kind that smells like summer and poor decisions)
- Half a jalapeño (seeds out unless you hate yourself)
- Juice of 2 limes (I use those little Mexican ones from H-E-B because I’m extra now)
- 1 tsp tajín + extra for rim
- Sparkling water (Topo Chico obviously, this is Texas)
- Splash of pineapple juice because balance Healthy Mocktails
Muddle the hell out of the mango and jalapeño in a shaker, add ice, lime juice, tajín, shake like you’re mad at your ex, strain into a tajín-rimmed glass, top with Topo Chico. The first time I made this my roommate walked in, took one sip, and whispered “this is illegal.” That’s the review I live for. Healthy Mocktails
The One That Tastes Like a Piña Colada But Won’t Ruin Tomorrow
I call this my “Sunday Scaries Preventative.” Frozen pineapple, coconut cream (the full-fat kind, we’re not monsters), lime, and a splash of ritual zero-proof rum alternative because I’m bougie now. Blend it with ice until it’s thicker than my anxiety. Rim the glass with toasted coconut and pretend you’re somewhere that isn’t paying $1800 for a one-bedroom.
The Biggest Healthy Mocktails Mistake I Keep Making Healthy Mocktails
Using too-sweet store-bought mixers. Like, I get excited at Whole Foods and grab some “organic hibiscus elixir” and it tastes like melted jolly rancher water. Hard pass. Fresh ingredients or go home. Also I once used celery juice in a bloody mary mocktail thinking I was a genius and it tasted like lawn clippings. We don’t speak of that week. Healthy Mocktails
Current Rotation of Healthy Mocktails I’m Not Sick of Yet Healthy Mocktails
- Ginger-lime mule with extra ginger (burns so good)
- Lavender lemon spritz that makes me feel like I do yoga (I don’t)
- Cucumber basil gimlet situation that’s basically spa water but make it slutty
Look, I’m still the girl who used to take tequila shots off a stranger’s belly button in 2019, so if I can make healthy mocktails that don’t make me want to die of FOMO, you can too. Start with the spicy mango one. Text me if you cry (the good kind).
Which one are you trying first? Drop your most chaotic mocktail win (or epic fail) in the comments—I need to know I’m not alone in this extremely specific hell/heaven.Healthy Mocktails
