Okay, real talk, summer mocktails that cool you down instantly are the only reason I haven’t yeeted myself into the neighborhood pool with my phone in my pocket yet. I’m sitting here in Austin right now, it’s 3:17 p.m., 104°F feels like 112°F, my thighs are literally glued to this fake-leather chair, and the AC is wheezing like it’s personally offended by my existence. So yeah, I’ve been aggressively testing every non-alcoholic drink that promises to make me feel human again. https://www.liquor.com/recipes/cucumber-elderflower-spritz
Why I’m Obsessed With Summer Mocktails Right Now (Send Help)
Look, I didn’t used to be a mocktail girlie. I was that person side-eyeing the $14 “No-jito” on the menu like “bro just give me the rum.” But then I got randomly sober-curious this year (long story involving a tequila incident and my mom’s 60th birthday, don’t ask) and suddenly summer mocktails became my entire personality. The first time I made one that actually worked? I almost cried. Like full-on ugly cried into my lavender syrup because my internal temperature dropped below “rotisserie chicken” for the first time in weeks.
My Current Top 3 Summer Mocktails That Actually Cool You Down Instantly
1. The Blackberry Party Hat Situation (I’m not okay)
This one is stupid good. Muddle like 8 blackberries with a sprig of rosemary (yes rosemary, trust me I thought it was weird too), add lime juice, a stupid amount of simple syrup because I have the palette of a toddler, top with sparkling water and a single giant ice cube. Then, because I’m unhinged, I put a tiny paper party hat on one blackberry and let it float like it’s the guest of honor. First sip hits and my shoulders drop like three inches. Instant relief. I drank four in one afternoon and had to lie down because my blood sugar thought it was Coachella. https://www.seriouseats.com/how-to-make-simple-syrup
2. Spicy Mango Chaos Water
I saw this on TikTok and obviously had to ruin it. Frozen mango chunks, Tajín (way too much), splash of coconut water, muddled jalapeño (I left the seeds in because I hate myself), and topo chico. The spice hits and then the cold hits and your brain just blue-screens. I made this for my neighbor Karen and she took one sip, went “JESUS CHRIST” and chugged the rest. That’s a five-star review in Texas. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/tajin-seasoning
3. Cucumber Elderflower “I’m Not Crying You’re Crying” Spritz
This one’s gentler. Muddy cucumber (I use the blunt end of a knife because I’m lazy), St-Germain (the whole bottle if you’re me), splash of elderflower tonic, and a drop of saline solution because I’m extra now apparently. It tastes like a spa day that actually works. Drank this on my porch at sunset and accidentally started crying because it was pretty and I was dehydrated and life is pain.
The Ones That Betrayed Me (Don’t Make These)
- Anything with matcha. Tastes like lawn clippings trying to be fancy
- “Detox” water with chia seeds, I spat it out, felt like frog eggs, 0/10
- Store-bought “mocktail” cans, why do they all taste like melted popsicle and regret?
Anyway I’m currently on my second (lost count) summer mocktail of the day and the room’s getting a little spinny from the cold. If you’re also currently existing as a human puddle somewhere in America, try one of these. Or don’t. I’m not your mom.
Drop your go-to summer mocktail in the comments so I can steal it, I’m desperate.
Stay sweaty, friends ♡
