Okay. Real talk. I’m sitting here in Ohio, it’s 1:14 a.m., the heat’s clanking like it owes me money, and I’m sipping something that smells like a hippie’s armpit but—plot twist—actually knocks me out. Caffeine-free hot drinks became my entire personality for like three months straight, and I’m not even mad about it. https://www.sleepfoundation.org/nutrition/caffeine-and-sleep
Why I Had to Break Up with Caffeine-Free Hot Drinks… Wait, No, the Opposite
Look, I used to be that girl mainlining cold brew at 10 p.m. like an absolute gremlin. Then one night I’m literally vibrating in bed, heart doing the Macarena, thinking about every embarrassing thing I said in 2009. Hard pass. So I went full caffeine-free hot drinks evangelist, which is honestly embarrassing because now my Amazon history is just dried weeds and weird mugs.
The One Caffeine-Free Hot Drink I Swear By (Even Though It Sounds Gross)
Real talk: roasted dandelion root tea. Yeah, I know, sounds like something a raccoon would brew in a dumpster. But listen—steep that stuff strong, splash in some oat milk, drop of vanilla, pinch of cinnamon—it legit tastes like a sad Starbucks drank decaf and grew up. I call it my “I’m a grown-up now” drink. Tastes like dirt and redemption. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31987750/
I tried to be fancy and bought loose leaf from some overpriced Etsy shop. First night I used too much and it tasted like I licked a forest floor. Second night I under-steeped it and cried because it tasted like hot water with commitment issues. Third night—Goldilocks, baby. Now I guard that bag like it’s the last roll of toilet paper in 2020.
My Current Caffeine-Free Hot Drinks Rotation (No Sponsorships, Just Vibes)
- Warm spiced almond milk with turmeric, black pepper, and a disgusting amount of honey (golden milk but make it chaotic)
- Peppermint-licorice root blend that makes my breath weirdly good but also scares my boyfriend
- Chamomile + lavender + catnip (yes, catnip, don’t @ me, it works and my cat judges me silently while I drink it)
- Hot cocoa made with that random mushroom powder I panic-bought (tastes like chocolate that went to therapy)
The Time I Thought Warm Milk Was a Personality Trait
Flashback to last winter: I’m bundled in three hoodies, socks with holes, trying warm milk with honey and nutmeg because Pinterest told me to. First sip—grandma vibes. Second sip—comforting. Third sip—suddenly I’m crying about my childhood cat. 10/10 would recommend if you enjoy emotional ambushes with your caffeine-free hot drinks. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/golden-milk-turmeric
Mistakes I Made So You Don’t Have To
- Valerian root tea: smells like feet, works too well, woke up on the couch with the TV still on QVC
- Decaf black tea: lies, still has enough caffeine to make me paranoid
- Sleeping with the mug on my nightstand: spilled everywhere, cried, considered becoming a monk
Anyway. If you’re also a night-owl disaster trying to fix your life one caffeine-free hot drink at a time, try the dandelion thing. Or don’t. I’m not your mom. https://www.mountsinai.org/health-library/herb/catnip
What’s your go-to wind-down drink? Drop it below so I can steal it and pretend it was my idea. Night, losers. 🫶
