I’m literally typing this with one hand because the other one is still sticky from the carrot-ginger explosion that happened twenty minutes ago. My kitchen looks like a crime scene, there’s pulp on the ceiling fan again, and my white(ish) t-shirt now has a permanent turmeric Rorschach test on the front. But you know what? I just chugged the most electric orange-carrot concoction of my life and I am BUZZING. Store-bought could never.
I used to be that girl buying $14 “superfood” green juice from Whole Foods, pretending I was glowy and together. Then I read the label, saw “natural flavors” (whatever the hell that means) and like 28 grams of sugar, and had a full existential crisis in the refrigerated aisle. Now I’m over here spending $4 on produce that’s about to go bad and turning it into liquid sunshine. Progress? Delusion? Same thing.
Why Homemade Juices Better Than Store-Bought (Even When I’m a Disaster)
Because it tastes like actual fruit, not fruit’s depressed cousin. Because I can make it spicy enough to commit war crimes on my sinuses and nobody can stop me. Because yesterday I juiced three sad apples, half a lemon I found in the back of the fridge, and some kale that was definitely plotting a coup, and it slapped so hard I almost cried.
Store-bought is pasteurized to death. It’s been sitting in a plastic bottle having an identity crisis for six weeks. My juice was on a tree like, last Tuesday. That’s the tea. https://www.seriouseats.com/how-to-clean-juicer-pulp
The Great Pineapple Coring Incident of 2024 Homemade Juices Better
I still have a scar on my thumb from trying to core a pineapple with a steak knife while hungover. Blood in the juice, real vitamin C + iron combo meal right there. 10/10 would not recommend but also… the juice was fire?? Moral of the story: buy a $9 pineapple corer on amazon you cheap bastard. https://extension.psu.edu/reducing-food-waste-ugly-produce
Current Kitchen Status Report (Live) Homemade Juices Better
- Counter: looks like a toddler finger-painted with beets
- Sink: full of pulp that I keep telling myself I’ll compost later
- Me: wearing one sock, drinking beet-apple-ginger straight from the jar like a feral raccoon
- Cat: judging me from the top of the fridge, plotting revenge for the time I accidentally juiced too close to her tail
Actual Tips From an Actual Mess Homemade Juices Better
- Start with citrus, it hides a multitude of sins
- If you’re scared of ginger, just… don’t be a baby (but also maybe start with half what I use)
- Freeze extra in ice cube trays, then throw them in seltzer when you’re feeling fancy and broke
- Never, EVER trust a silent juicer. If it’s not screaming, it’s plotting
- Accept that your cutting boards will never be the same. Turmeric laughs at bleach.
Sometimes I still buy the emergency OJ when I’m running late and hate myself for it. But 9 times out of 10 I’d rather be sticky and 10 minutes late than on time and drinking lies. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5438379/
Anyway I gotta go, the pulp in my hair is starting to harden into dreadlocks and I have a zoom in 8 minutes.
Homemade juices better than store-bought because they taste like effort and chaos and actual joy, and I’m here for it. Your turn, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever juiced?? Tell me in the comments so I feel less insane.
