Fresh juices that detox and refresh naturally are basically the only reason I’m not a complete goblin right now. Like, it’s 8:43 a.m. in my apartment, there’s a siren screaming outside because New York, and I’m chugging something that looks like lawn clippings had a baby with pond water. Tastes like regret and hope. Perfect.
Two weeks ago I was living on gas-station taquitos and despair—don’t judge me, Mercury was in retrograde or whatever. Then I remembered fresh juices that detox and refresh naturally exist, dusted off the juicer I bought in 2021 and never used, and now I’m that annoying person posting green liquids on my story. Send help.
Why Fresh Juices That Detox Actually Work (For My Messed-Up Body Anyway)
Look, I’m not a doctor. I’m barely a functional adult. But after three days of slamming fresh juices that detox, my skin stopped looking like pepperoni pizza and I stopped feeling like a trash bag someone left in the sun. Science? Probably. Placebo? Maybe. Do I care? Nope.
My go-to combo right now:
- 3 celery stalks (tastes like sadness but apparently flushes water weight)
- 1 whole lemon, peel and all because I’m too lazy to peel
- Half a cucumber that’s been in the fridge since… honestly who knows
- A fistful of spinach that’s starting to go slimy (waste not want not)
- One green apple so I don’t cry
- Knob of ginger the size of my thumb because inflammation hates me
It comes out the color of radioactive sewage and I love it. I call it “Swamp Witch Elixir.” Trademark pending.
The Time Fresh Juices That Detox Almost Ended Me
True story: Day 5 of my last juice cleanse I had to give a presentation at work. Drank 32 oz of beet-heavy fresh juices that detox and refresh naturally at 7 a.m. By 10 a.m. I’m sweating pure magenta, my pee looks like I murdered someone, and I’m vibrating from all the natural sugars. My boss asks if I’m okay. I say “never better” while internally screaming. 10/10 would do again.
My Dumb Little Recipes for Fresh Juices That Detox (Tested on Me, a Human Disaster)
The “I’m Broke but Pretending I’m Wellness” Green Juice
- Whatever greens are wilting in the crisper
- One sad carrot
- Half a lemon I found rolling around the counter
- Watered-down apple juice to make it drinkable
The “Hangover? What Hangover?” One
- Pineapple core (the part you were gonna throw away anyway)
- Ginger until your sinuses burn
- Turmeric because golden milk lattes are so 2018
- Black pepper (look it up, it activates the turmeric or something)
The “I Swear This Tastes Good” Beet Thing
- 1 beet (wear gloves or accept pink hands for three days)
- 2 carrots
- 1 orange
- Ginger
- Splash of coconut water so you feel fancy
Here’s a legit source if the internet has convinced you beets will save your liver: Healthline on beetroot juice benefits
The Part Where I Admit Fresh Juices That Detox Aren’t Magic
Sometimes I still eat an entire pizza after drinking my weight in celery juice. Sometimes the juicer sits untouched for two weeks and I gain eight pounds stress-eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Fresh juices that detox and refresh naturally are a tool, not a personality. But damn if they don’t make me feel slightly less like garbage.
Anyway. If you’re sitting there with bloating and regret like I was, maybe try throwing some produce in a blender and seeing what happens. Worst case, you hate it and go back to your regularly scheduled chaos. Best case, you turn into one of those glowing people who “just loves kale.” (I’m not there yet. Probably never will be.)
Try one tomorrow morning. Text me how it goes. Or don’t. I’m not your mom.
Cheers (with a gross green glass), Some girl in Brooklyn who still can’t find the lid to her juicer pitcher
