Okay I’m just gonna say it: low cal meals and me have had a toxic relationship for years. Like I’m sitting here in my kitchen in Ohio, it’s gray outside, my kid is screaming about Roblox, there’s coffee spilled on the counter (again), and I’m trying to not eat my feelings in the form of an entire bag of Takis. But somehow I’ve hacked together these low cal meals that don’t make me wanna yeet myself into a pizza.
Why You Should Probably Not Trust Me But Kinda Do
I’m not a nutritionist. I’m literally just a mom who cried in Target because none of the jeans fit after Christmas 2024. I’ve eaten cereal for dinner more times than I’ll admit. But I’ve also lost 31 pounds this year eating these exact low cal meals so… maybe I’m onto something? Or maybe I just got lucky. Who knows. https://www.franksredhot.com/en-us/products/original-cayenne-pepper-sauce
My Ride-or-Die 10 Low Cal Meals (That I Make on Repeat Because I’m Lazy)
1. Buffalo Cauliflower Steaks That Made My Husband Say “Wait This Isn’t Chicken?”
I cut a whole head of cauliflower into thick “steaks” (they always fall apart, whatever), drown them in Frank’s + a little I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray, roast at 450 till they’re basically burnt. Blue cheese Greek yogurt on the side. 180 calories and I will fist fight you for the crispy bits. https://www.raos.com/products/marinara-sauce
2. Zoodle Carbonara That’s Low Cal But Feels Illegal low cal meals
Zucchini noodles (from the bag because spiralizing is for people with time), turkey bacon, one whole egg + two whites, parmesan from the green can (don’t judge me), and like 47 pounds of black pepper. 290 calories and I moan when I eat it. Like actually moan.
3. Korean Turkey Bowls My Kids Think Are Takeout low cal meals
93% lean ground turkey, a spoonful of gochujang, soy sauce, garlic, and then I just throw in whatever veggies are about to die in the fridge. Serve over cauliflower rice because I’m a monster. 340 calories and my 7yo asks for seconds which is basically a miracle.
4. Shrimp “Ceviche” Because I’m Too Scared to Raw Dog It
Pre-cooked shrimp, lime juice, red onion, cilantro, tomato, avocado (just a little, calm down), and hot sauce till my lips burn. Eat with those baked tostada shells that are weirdly only 25 calories each. Tastes like vacation. Feels like cheating.
5. Crispy Baked Chicken Tenders That Don’t Suck low cal meals
Chicken breast cut into strips, dipped in egg whites, rolled in crushed bran flakes + chili powder + ranch seasoning. Bake on a rack so they actually get crunchy. I dip them in sugar free BBQ sauce like a psychopath. Under 300 for like 6 pieces. I eat them cold at 2am. Don’t @ me. https://www.thelaughingcow.com/creamy-light/
6. Eggplant Pizza Things I Invented While Hungover
Roast eggplant rounds till they’re soft, top with Rao’s sauce (fancy, I know), turkey pepperoni, and the tiniest bit of mozzarella. Broil till bubbly. I made these after too many mimosas and now they’re weekly.
7. Thai Lettuce Wraps That Take 10 Minutes low cal meals
Ground turkey, fish sauce, lime, brown sugar substitute, chili garlic sauce, pile into lettuce leaves. I add crushed peanuts even though they’re calories because life is pain. https://gimmeseaweed.com/products/sea-salt
8. Sweet Potato Nachos (Yes I Know This Sounds Dumb)
Thin slice a sweet potato, bake till crispy, top with black beans, shredded chicken, salsa, jalapeños, and like one tablespoon of cheese total. It’s chaotic but it works.
9. Garlic Butter Mushrooms on Cloud Bread low cal meals
Sauté mushrooms in butter spray + way too much garlic, serve on cloud bread (which is just whipped egg whites baked, don’t ask). Tastes like steak. Makes me feel superior.
10. Pumpkin Protein Mug Cake Because I’m Basic
Pumpkin puree, vanilla protein powder, pumpkin spice, egg white, microwave 90 seconds. Top with reddi whip free. 140 calories and I eat it in my car in the school pickup line hiding from other moms.
The Part Where I Admit I Still Mess This Up Constantly low cal meals
Sometimes I forget the cauliflower in the oven and it turns into actual charcoal. Sometimes I eat three of the mug cakes and call it “volume eating.” Sometimes I just get Domino’s and cry. These low cal meals aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect. My kitchen currently smells like burnt garlic and regret.
But they work often enough that I’m still here, still trying, still down 30+ pounds and still eating food that doesn’t taste like punishment.
Anyway try one of these low cal meals and tell me I’m wrong. Or send me pics of your kitchen disasters. I’ll be here eating cold buffalo cauliflower straight from the pan wearing pajama pants with a hole in the crotch because that’s the American dream baby.
Which one are you making first? Don’t leave me hanging.
