okay so beginner keto recipes are literally the only thing standing between me and ordering domino’s at 2am again, real talk. i’m sitting here in my austin apartment, it’s november but still somehow 78 degrees outside because texas hates me, and i just demolished an entire sheet pan of bacon-wrapped cream cheese jalapeño thingies while crying about how i miss tortillas.
i started keto like 97 days ago after my jeans literally refused to button and i had a full meltdown in target. thought i’d last a week tops before i was elbow-deep in torchy’s trashy queso, but nope—these dumb easy beginner keto recipes actually tricked my brain into not hating life. https://www.wholesomeyum.com/recipes/craving-crack-chicken-keto-low-carb/
why my beginner keto recipes don’t make me want to die
most keto recipes online look like martha stewart had a mental breakdown with cauliflower. mine look like i made them drunk (because half the time i did). they’re ugly, they’re fast, and they taste like food instead of punishment.
1. the “i have nothing in my fridge” egg muffins Beginner Keto Recipes
eggs, cheese, whatever meat is about to expire, bake. i’ve used hot dog chunks before. don’t judge me i was desperate.
2. bacon wrapped avocado (my actual soulmate) Beginner Keto Recipes
avocado + bacon + air fryer = marriage material. first time i did it the bacon slid off and i almost threw my air fryer out the window. now i toothpick that shit like i’m building a damn raft. https://www.ruled.me/keto-fathead-dough/
3. cloud bread that doesn’t taste like styrofoam (miracle)
eggs, cream cheese, cream of tartar. i still yell every time i separate eggs because i always always get yolk in the whites and have to start over. worth it tho. https://www.ruled.me/
4. cauliflower mac & cheese that made me forget real mac exists
i accidentally used an entire block of cream cheese once and ascended to another plane of existence. my non-keto roommate ate three bowls and had no idea it wasn’t real pasta. victory.
5. 90 second bread for when you want to punch someone for a sandwich
almond flour + egg + microwave. i eat it straight from the mug with a fork like a raccoon. sometimes i burn it and eat it anyway because i’m not a quitter. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/keto-diet-food-list
6. crack chicken (yes that’s the name shut up) Beginner Keto Recipes
chicken + cream cheese + ranch packet + bacon. i left it in the crockpot for 10 hours once because i passed out watching netflix. came home to heaven.
7. zucchini noodles i didn’t spiralize myself because i value my fingers
heb sells them pre-spiralized thank god. pesto + parmesan + chicken. if you squint it’s almost pasta.
8. fathead pizza that doesn’t disintegrate (usually)
my first one looked like a crime scene but tasted like dominos had a glow-up. i still eat the burnt edges because waste not want not.
9. chocolate mug cake for pms emergencies Beginner Keto Recipes
i’ve eaten four in one night and blacked out. woke up with chocolate on my shirt and zero regrets.
10. bulletproof coffee because who needs sleep anyway
butter + mct oil + coffee. i spilled it all over my laptop once and almost sold my soul. now i blend it like a psycho and chug.
anyway i’m still fat but less fat and these beginner keto recipes are why
down 31 pounds and my double chin is slightly less aggressive. i still dream about chips and have accidentally licked a tortilla at a party (long story) but i’m not dead so?? progress?? https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/ketogenic-diet-101
try the bacon avocado one first. or don’t. i’m not your mom.
(legit helpful links so google doesn’t hate me:
- healthline’s keto food list that i still have bookmarked
- ruled.me because their recipes don’t lie
- my therapist’s paypal if anyone wants to contribute)
tell me your go-to lazy keto meal before i eat an entire cheese wheel again, i’m begging
